Now What?

Like the majority of Americans (who do not suffer from extreme poverty or extreme luxury), I have no idea what to do with free time. It should be noted that this is not the same as having, "no idea what to do with my free time," an entirely different concept which has its own problems and difficulties. Rather, actually having free time is the issue, and how to best spend that free time (without driving myself crazy) is the problem.

Last night I took my last final for Winter Term. (My grades prediction for the term: two As and an A-. One of my papers last term didn't quite get a perfect score.) Now, with a full week and a day at my disposal for Spring Break, I am faced with the unsettling task of trying to walk the fine line between "enjoying myself" and "being productive" until 10 AM on March 30th, when I can relax and start studying and doing homework again.

I do not "vacation" well. I realized this when I was in Kona, Hawaii, with Megan, and there was one evening where all I wanted to do was read The Odyssey, because it was the only piece of homework I knew I'd have to finish at some point after I'd gotten back. (Mind you, it wasn't due for a few more weeks after that, even.) In fact, I spent some of my free time this week trying to track down cheap copies of my books for next term, to be really honest. (I even started reading one when I was eating lunch yesterday... I couldn't help myself.) There's something about actual leisure time - doing nothing and enjoying it - that drives me absolutely batshit. I personally think the reason I have so many hobbys and interests is to avoid actually having to do nothing; there will always be stories to write, comics to read, records to sort and listen to, etc.

On Tuesday I did a brief mental tally of the things I hope to accomplish during my life in my Free Time, and just about had a breakdown. Not counting the books & records I hope to (someday) enjoy, I have constructed enough hobbies and projects I hope to complete to keep me busy well into senile old age. (Maybe by then I'll be able to forget about it.)

It occurs to me that this, more than anything, summarizes the modern human condition: trying to find enough things to fill our time with until we die. A somewhat depressing notion regarding life, but is probably a more accurate description of how we live in America than any other I can think of. In The Architecture of Vision (a collection of interviews and writings by Michelangelo Antonioni), he makes a point of stressing (in the late '60's, mind you), that, "clearly free time is a problem," for people, and he suggests that the Government will have to develop more powerful drugs to keep people entertained. While his suggested solution, to me, reads more like a joke (Antonioni had just spent a long time in California making a movie with a lot of youth activists who all turned him on to recreational drug use), his point is entirely taken: what do we do when there's nothing left to do?

I guess the problem (for me) stems from feeling as if, when I am not actively engaged in something that I can rationalize as being Productive, I immediately feel guilty, even if I'm just hanging out with friends or, even worse, just enjoying myself, alone. The day I realized that I have trouble just sitting alone with my thoughts was somewhat worrying. Try sitting somewhere peaceful and relaxing for an entire hour, not reading or looking at the Inter-Web-A-Tron or watching a movie or listening to the radio or anything. Just sit down outside, alone, for an hour and see what happens.

Spooky, huh?

Any advice for how to combat this until I can begin stressing and freaking out again next Monday?