Open Letter To The Editor

Yesterday, the Daily Vanguard - the campus MOR paper that isn't actually a daily - gave a B- review to the movie Robocop (referring to it rather negatively), and also managed to refer to William S. Burroughs as just another "crazy" person. Kids these days. I felt it was my duty to write a letter to the editor, which, sadly, they choose not to print. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I saved a copy:

Dearest Daily Vanguard
RE: Arts & Culture Corrections

I take extreme offense with two things mentioned in the April 15th issue of the Vanguard. First, on page 4, the film Robocop is described as part of the "retro kitsch genre," and, contrary to popular belief, the title does not, "say it all." Robocop is a brilliant satire, directed by the Dutch master Paul Verhoeven, and is nothing short of a cinematic masterpiece that has proven itself over, again and again. This film sets the stage for his other incredible social commentaries, Basic Instinct, Starship Troopers, and Showgirls, (all stupendous statements in their own right) and for people with discerning taste and an eye for what was wrong in America circa late '80's / early '90's, Verhoeven's films are note-perfect in virtually every way (and telegraphed much of the new comic book / action genre that is popular now). While I appreciate the Vanguard's attempt to briefly draw attention to one of the most important films ever made by human beings, the demeaning context and low rating is something you should be ashamed of.

Second: it is unwise for anyone - even in an opinion piece - to refer to a man who owned as many guns as William S. Burroughs did, as "Crazy Person Of The Week." Even if he is dead now. Trust me, it's just a bad idea. Not only does this open up a whole can of right-wing, NRA issues that can't possibly be resolved in any single issue of the Vanguard, but personalities like Burroughs tend to attract lots of fans, who all own lots of guns. Do the math; I attribute my longevity so far to Ginger Ale twice daily, and saying only nice things about people who own lots of guns. Call me crazy, but that's how I plan to survive into the 22nd Century.

Thank you for your time.